We do indeed serve a Good Good Father! As many of my friends and closer family know, I was in and out of bigger hospitals in Melbourne and then Orlando from September through November 18 with very limited access to see my kids and husband among other things. The last place that really helped me was La Amistad. In hindsight, it was truly amazing program compared to the other two or three here in town, where because literally all the nurses, techs, therapists and doctors at La Amistad actually worked together(!) to not only “get” people well, but during the 4 week program teach each patient how to retrain the brain and “stay” well. Each person had to do extensive paperwork to be admitted since the program at La Amistad is “voluntary”. 99.99 percent of the time if you start the program you see in a week or less the improvement and get out in four weeks. It was good because it helped my tongue to stop wagging and really SEEK God in a time when I didn’t remember if I even HAD a friend. To put it more bluntly, Jesus Himself was famous for leaving all His followers to pray, by Himself right? To get away and get real with His Daddy?
The time this past few weeks my physical body and my body chemistry has been going through major “renovations” due to my exercising and much better sleeping each night with NO ambien!!! Ambien is good for knocking me out, but at La Amistad I really learned progressive muscle relaxation, (how to do) guided meditation, deep breathing, and positive thinking/self talk. They had us in classes all day Monday through Friday 7:00 am to 10:00 pm.
So why do I tell you all this you ask? Many times when one encounters 75 days of major upheaval/sickness. Or during this time for me, I mostly had NO IDEA what my parents, husband or even the doctor saw that was so concerning initially. Why? Because obviously each person had a different definition or diagnosis if you will, of what was BAD about how I was acting. For example, during this time I knew, wow I Knew! that reading the Bible, praying etc… was NOT a good idea because of the circular thinking, or the idea of a few that depending on God a person trying to get well would land right back at the same hospital.
Especially at Circles of Care where there were 50 beds who were all getting out way before me!! ? It was a 3 day unit. 72 hours. Not 16 days, 21 days, etc… All those visits were real. It’s almost just like safe “babysitting.” It’s funny I know that if my loved ones had sat down with me as SOON as they started seeing the high-pressured speech, irrational thought, etc… I just wish they would have asked me questions from the git go. Then I could try hard to take it and level with them about what they want to see: in how I change my speech and general behavior, and just try to be quieter till I can get sleep and get better! Mania is always on a scale from 1 to 10. If you wait to correct at ten, it will obviously be almost impossible for family/friends to have influence and be successful.
Also I leaned, it’s OK to be HAPPY! It’s not “wrong” but it’s good to think about how others will interpret it. My Aunt Gosia and Uncle Scott helped by taking me to dinner and then helping me understand the legalities too! I do think its amusing now how little I, the patient, really KNEW what was happening! More than most knew? More than anything I was drawn to “listeners” like Robbin or Cathy Frye, who called me everyday without fail. She also would help with the kids on her day off each week.
Well, OK and I really do love my husband more than he knows. I am also indebted to my parents for taking care of me best they could. I just wanted people to know how it is “for me”, the “sick” one. And my boys and husband as a result. Positive lifestyle changes are more important and effective than any magic pill. You have to know for yourself like, and just maybe from God too, what you need to do to improve your quality of life, let go of bad influences, dig deep into the people you know love you and are for you, though thick and thin.
Bipolar 1 with insomnia (what I struggle with) is tough to deal with on the day to day! I know my “identity” is in Christ, but it’s been hard to technically “find” out who I really am becoming through all this blessed suffering. His ways are higher and His thoughts grander. It is the Lord who directs men’s steps. Period.
I am LOVED and I know that. But a few really desperate people tended to be self-proclaimed atheists with no hope. Amanda and Hillary. Such lovely and yet also blind wives. They were blind to the most basic of all assurances: the Love and presence of Jesus. And it’s like as I allow myself to let my brain remember this horrid time and yet enlightening time, even now the Spirit continues to show me His provision amidst the trial. His hope amidst the chaos.
Actually, it’s been hard the past few months: even with hope and new purpose as a Mommy and wife to an incredible, loving, and really just amazing husband Michael Frye… No really, with all the physical changes from the exercise these past two months, I’m encouraged to stick with it no matter what. Never give up! Upon examining my motives, I know they are pure, and so does my Jesus .
It’s very positive because now I know the how and why, and now I can see His footprints next to mine. And O the bittersweet times where He carried me!! The times of sobbing so hard it felt like my very soul was spilling into the pavement. I was bent over once sobbing because I thought I was going to be with my boys and husband at home. Instead at the last minute I was left to sleep in my sisters bed, just sobbing myself to sleep. O! I remember that night. And yet, it was right. Why? Because Jesus always has a better plan that sometimes I cannot see!! My flesh! O my flesh cannot see it. But my husband KNEW to take my parents advice in hopes that I could get well!
When I knew not what I was doing, when no one understood me or what I needed/wanted and it was like I felt in my soul that I was all alone in this! That’s what really killed me, no one was listening! At least initially. God uses little things again here. I would sing in the shower at Circles sometimes to a small audience. I also befriended younger girls, needy and longing to be understood.
Now to Him who is able to keep my from falling… Be all glory and honor and strength, Forever and Ever, Hallelujah Amen! Please let me know what you think about any of my content here. I try to only write when I WANT to/feel inspired to. Thank you for taking the time to read this! I love you all.